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31 December 1969

Owls Blog - Lord Hillsborough 'Lauds' The Groundsman

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    Oh yes he's here, the one you've all been waiting for, Lord Hillsborough is back with his latest Owls blog for Wednesdayite.com. 

    Lord Hillsborough lets us 'through the keyhole' this month and shares with us his garden, or pitch as he calls it, which he loving takes care of daily with his groundsman.

    "I say, it's awfully lovely to be back with you all and utterly super of the folks at Wednesdayite to allow me to have this little tête à tête with you all.

    Any who, on with today's yarn; I was enjoying a rather lavish lunch that cook had knocked up for Lady H and I. A good old fashion Sunday roast with stuffed pheasant, a spit roasted hog, potatoes roasted in goose fat and all the other usual trimmings that I sure we're all accustomed to.

    It was washed down with a cheeky little red number for me and several pints of Speckled Hen for Lady H. Consequently, after devouring such a meal, one does tend to be left feeling rather "podged". To remedy this I suggested to Lady H that we take a turn or two around the lawn.

    I understand that most of the Wednesdayite's out there refer to my lawn as 'the pitch' but you must remember this horticultural wonder is quite literally my back garden.

    As Lady H and I were on our second circuit of the lawn, I expressed my gratitude to her that we had such marvellous upper-class grass.

    "Do you see my dear" I said to Lady H "Our upper-class grass grows all at the same length, fantastically flat and even grows with a striped motif"

    "I could not agree more Pipkin (don't ask) it does look very pretty" Lady H replied.

    Just at that moment the ever present Jeeves, whom had come along to ensure Lady H's seven pints didn't cause an 'incident', gave a little cough. This is usually a signal that he would like to interrupt any conversation I am engaging in to say something impertinent.

    "What is it Jeeves?!!" I snapped.

    "If I may m'Lord" Jeeves said "the wonderful state of 'the lawn' is not due to the class of the grass. But rather to the grounds staff."

    "I say Jeeves!!!" I replied with some distress, "Do you mean to inform me that I, Lord Hillsborough, do not have upper-class grass?"

    "The grass is of the very best quality m'Lord however, it does still take rather a lot of time and attention to maintain it to such a high level."

    "And this is achieved by errr... groundsmen, well blow me down. Here's me thinking it just grew like that, all ready for our chaps to play on."

    "A common misconception m'Lord" Jeeves retorted.

    "And are these groundsmen of the finest crop Jeeves" I asked

    "They most certainly are m'Lord. Actually, only just recently our pitch was scored and Mr Mike Parkin, one of our groundsmen (@MikeParkin1867 on Twitter), reported that we scored 4.45 out of a possible 5.

    "My word Jeeves how very spiffy" I remarked, not entirely understanding was a grand achievement this was.

    Seeing my confused expression Jeeves continued to explain "Very spiffy indeed m'Lord, especially when you take into consideration the League One average is 3.99"

    "My word Jeeves, how very informed you are. Would you please pass on my most sincere congratulations to the chaps. After all, the consequences of these fellows doing a fine job corresponds directly with the happiness, and therefore the performance of the players"

    "How many times have we seen games won and lost by a divot, goalkeepers thwarted by a groove, a wonderful through ball not reaching its intended target because it has hit a bald patch covered in sand."

    "And of course, we must not forget what an incredible job the chaps did back in 2007 when Lady H decided she wanted a swimming pool installed in the grounds"

    As with the majority of Lady H's whims, she soon tired of the exercise and subsequently the lawn was relayed and the chaps were able to resume playing football.

    After our walk Lady H and I retired to the morning room.

    Obviously, after such a feast and a lug or two full of fresh air it wasn't long before I started to drift off for a little snooze. I was soon happily having the most wonderful dream about a ship, with a red and white striped flag and a crossed cutlass motif, sinking. Oh what a lovely dream it was.

    So on we look to the future, and after a festive period that brought mixed fortunes to our club. However we must not dwell on our misfortunes and push on with only one goal in mind, promotion!!!

    After defeating West Ham in a thrilling cup game we now have a trip to the seaside to look forward to where Blackpool awaits us. A good Cup run can only boost the already fantastically massive vibe associated with The Wednesday these days.

    Obviously it would be very remiss of me not to mention the departure of our loan signings. I would like to take this opportunity to add my thanks and admiration to the wave of gushing tributes I have seen on Twitter.

    Well that's that, as they say. Do remember, if you should see a groundsman on your next visit to Hillsborough do shake him by the hand and show your apparition for the wonderful job they are doing.

    After all, We're All Wednesday Aren't We? Even the groundsmen.

    Best wishes and kind regards, keep on screaming "THIS CITY IS OURS!!!"

    Lord Hillsborough
    Up The Owls!!!

    Follow me on Twitter @Ld_Hillsborough


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